24th April 2012

Link reblogged from ............................... with 898 notes

*storms out of hollister in tears*: A Field Guide to Lady Gaga Stans →

hausofdavid:

beyawnce:

A Field Guide to Lady Gaga Stans

Have you ever noticed someone walking down the streets loudly singing a song about hookers? How about a blog on tumblr, filled with pictures of a popstar’s butt, decked out in studs and spikes? Chances are, you’ve just encountered a Lady Gaga stan.

Do you want to learn more about the different species of Lady Gaga stan? Or perhaps you consider yourself a stan and would like to know how you are classified in the specieLittleus Monstrus? Read on to find out.

An important note: as classes of Lady Gaga stan are so varied, often a certain individual will belong to two or more of the following categories. 

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The Hardcore Stan

One of the most numerous species of stan, the easiest way to identify a Hardcore Stan is by asking the question “How muchmoneyhave you spent on Lady Gaga merchandise?” if the answer is anything over one hundred dollars, chances are you have a Hardcore Stan on your hands. Hardcore Stans have framed their Gaga albums on vinyl and own closets full of t-shirts. They will proudly display their collection of Gaga-topped magazines. A select few burn incense under her posters (full-sized, laminated, framed, and temperature-controlled) nightly.

The Stalker Stan

Most common in Gaga-frequented areas such as New York and Los Angeles, the Stalker Stans are a tight-knit community with all the insider information that they don’t tell you because it’s actually a lot creepier once you know the details. They can tell you where she lives, what hotel she’ll stay at, where she’ll eat dinner, and what time her digestive tract will fluctuate, causing her to excuse herself to the restroom (where they will be waiting with a sharpie and a copy of Born This Way). 

The “Little Monster” Stan

The group of stans that actually call themselves “little monsters”. You will often hear them say things like “paws up” and “mother monster”. They will happily inform you that “Lady Gaga is Italian” any time of day. Often the most benign of stans, they are, however, quick to jump to ol Mama Gaga’s aid.

The Secret Stan

Secret Stans are most easily identifiable by their blog, simply because they are able to function like semi-normal humans throughout everyday life. A Secret Stan will not bring up Lady Gaga once by themselves at the lunch table, but once they are alone in their rooms they uncork the bottle of bubbling Gaga emotion that has been building up all day long, spewing their followers with a faceful of raw, Gaga-induced cry-typing. Secret Stans could care less about having the merchandise or ratting on other stan groups, simply because every time Lady Gaga takes a breath of oxygen they get emotional about it and need to let it out.

The Mothering Stan

Contrary to the “Little Monsters” who want to suck milk out of Gaga’s teats, Mothering Stans want to put her in a stroller and pinch her cheeks and bake her cookies. They often refer to Gaga using such phrases as “my baby”, “my angel”, or 
“baby cupcake princess angel sunshine darling dearest”. To identify a Mothering Stan, just mention the time Lady Gaga “ate shit” at Heathrow. If they cringe or a single tear runs down their cheek, you know what class they fall into. 

The Summoning Stan

The next time Lady Gaga tweets, see if you can spot a Summoning Stan. These stans are completely unaware of what Gaga was saying, yet they send their reply about fifty times. Say Lady Gaga tweets, “man can a popstar get some index cards up in here or what?” Try to guess which of the following is a summoning stan in these replies:

1. ”??? Why do you need index cards Gaga?”
2. “Gaga omg you’re so funny! I love you! You can take my index cards!”
3. “”Come to Lebanon Lebanon loves Ga-Ga.”

If you guessed reply number three, you are correct. Summoning Stans are constantly in a state of desiring Lady Gaga to be wherever they are. Lady Gaga isn’t in Brazil? “Come to Brazil Gaga.” Lady Gaga is downtown? “Come to my apartment Gaga.” Lady Gaga is in outer space? “Come back to earth Gaga.” Summoning Stans are constantly upset at Lady Gaga’s earthly location, and they will let you know all about it.

The Silent Stan

Have you ever clicked on a Gaga blog and it looks like Google Image search for “Lady Gaga” that has been right-clicked, saved, and given Topaz? Chances are, you’ve found a Silent Stan. Masters of the photoblog, Silent Stans hardly ever voice their opinions on all things Gaga and are content to stare emotionlessly at pictures of her while they edit them in Photoshop. Silent Stans often have the most followers because they run pretty blogs and have no opinions whatsoever. The most you will ever see a Silent Stan write is “#Lady Gaga #myedit.”

The Defensive Stan

If you are a stan for any other popstar in the whole entire world, chances are you’ve encountered a Defensive Lady Gaga Stan. These stans crawl around the depths of the internet with magnifying glasses, seeing what dirt they can dig up on other popstars. When they find something, they make fun of said popstar. Ruthlessly. Most common targets include Katy Perry, Katy Perry’s stans, Nicki Minaj, and Nicki Minaj’s stan (not a typo). Defensive Stans are often criticized for going against Lady Gaga’s message of love and acceptance, but for every post in which a Defensive Stan drags someone else by the weave tracks through the mud and douses them in shade, there is an inch of truth.

The Offensive Stan

If stans were on a soccer team, these stans would be the goalies. To find an Offensive Stan, just ask “Who here tracks the ‘I Hate Lady Gaga’ tag?” These stans will reblog anything mildly offensive to their queen and will then copy-paste their pre-written ten page essay on why Lady Gaga is the best egg ever to be fertilized, birthed, and raised. They will often have folders full of caps of Lady Gaga looking angry, so that whoever made the post originally feels personally victimized by Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta herself.

The Sexually Objectifying Stan

These stans could care less about album sales, concert tickets and interviews, but they care more about Lady Gaga’s butt than all other stan groups combined. Sexually Objectifying Stans take the Sexual Harassment video Lady Gaga was in as a teen as a challenge, and strive to have the most pictures of Lady Gaga’s nipples on their blog as possible. To identify a Sexually Objectifying Stan, place them in a room with Lady Gaga. Try to guess which out of these reactions is a Sexually Objectifying Stans’:

1. Stan runs to Lady Gaga, gives her a hug, and compliments her on her work.
2. Stan begins to cry immediately upon sight of Lady Gaga.
3. Stan begins to grind up on Lady Gaga’s ass like a dog in heat.

If you guessed number three, you are correct! But don’t forget, Sexually Objectifying Stans are just like you. Their greatest goal in life is to meet Lady Gaga (and then grab her tits).

DEATH.

Source: beyawnce